Why Can’t I Give Up Porn?
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. II Timothy 1:7 English Standard Version
Get any group of men together,
and if they engage in honest spiritual discussion about temptation, sooner or
later the issue of porn will come up. In this age of easy access to the
internet, almost every man has struggled with an attraction to porn. A quick
internet search reveals what we know in our hearts, at some point in our lives
most men engage in looking at pornography. Various studies show that somewhere
north of seventy percent of men look at porn at some point in our lives.1
This comes as no surprise since men seem to be hard-wired to be visually
stimulated in the sexual arena. Among those of us who claim the name of Christ,
this poses a significant problem.
“I know it is wrong, but I find
myself returning to porn periodically. What frustrates me the most is that I
have a good marriage and love my wife dearly. Why do I do this?”
I have heard this heartfelt cry
more than once, and in my own struggle against pornography have shared in this
sense of failure and frustration. Though today, I do not struggle with
pornography, I have fallen into what I like to call a pornado. There was a
period in my life which was marked by a vicious battle against porn-fueled-lust.
I could not place any blame on my own sex life. My wife and I have enjoyed a
healthy sexual relationship for our entire marriage. Without going into
personal details, we’ve enjoyed an appropriate level of frequency, intensity,
and stimulation. We were not estranged, and I was not denied. This did not
start with a long deployment, a period of enforced celibacy. So why did I find
myself feeling trapped by this heavy dark load of sin? I think there are three
primary reasons; stress from daily life caused me to feel like I was not in
control, easy access via the internet, and a lack of vigilance or discipline on
my part. In this essay, I want to focus on stress caused by feeling like I was
out of control.
34 Therefore do not be anxious about
tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is
its own trouble. Matthew 6:34
As men, as husbands, as fathers, we often
feel much of our lives is beyond our control. At work we must grapple with demanding
bosses, grumpy co-workers, and unreasonable customers. Often, the requirements
seem to change daily. It is as if someone comes in at night and shifts the goal
posts while we sleep. Despite these challenges, driven by the need to put food
on the table, we head off to work each day often feeling a tremendous lack of
control. Then at the end of our shift, we head home. Often at home, especially
when dealing with children, we also feel a loss of control. As our children
age, exploring independence, we feel our influence and control slipping away. I
too have faced the closed door of a teenager and felt impotent. Then there is
the cultural pressure of being a male. For ages women suffered under the cruel
thumb of caustic masculinity. In seeking to redress this imbalance, our society
has sought to redefine what it means to be a good man; consequently, now many
men feel lost, adrift, and rudderless when trying to sort through what it means
to be a man in our modern twenty-first century culture. There are many other
reasons we may feel a loss of control in our lives, but these are some of the
primary. And this is where porn may slip in.
Porn, especially internet
pornography, links two basic male needs, sexual gratification, and the need to
feel a sense of control. Erotic material enables a man to enter a world where
he exerts total control, and he does this through sexual gratification with no
need to consider the needs or feelings of his wife. A few well-chosen phrases
in the search engine and he enters a world where his control is paramount.
There is no stress generated by having to take others into account. In one
study, young college-aged men reported that they enjoyed viewing sexually
explicit materials as a means to escape the stress and pressure of college
life; so much so, that they chose it over a real sexual encounter. 2
Of course this does not
surprise men. We well understand the alure of sexually explicit material. What
we many not understand is the link to stress reduction and a feeling of
control. Perhaps, this is why some of us who enjoy a healthy monogamous sexual
relationship within the context of marriage still struggle with pornography. We
turn to such easily accessed material to exert a feeling of control in an
otherwise out of control life, and that is the lure into the pornado trap. We
feel in control.
16 Do you not know that if you present
yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you
obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to
righteousness? Romans 6:16
We, especially the modern
Wester-Culture we, labor under the delusion that we are free agents who are in
control and the masters of our own fate. For some of us, erotica provides an
antidote to the feelings of stress and pressure generated by feeling out of
control. We succumb to the illusion that we remain in control, while we slip
deeper and deeper into the grasp of an addictive habit of sin. Soon, without
realizing it, we find ourselves looking forward to and spending more time in
the ephemeral world of erotica. Fortunately, there are numerous scriptures
which lead us away from the delusive feeling of control provided by world of
pornography.
28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy
laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you,
and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest
for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is
light.” Matthew 11:28-30
Jesus offers us rest. When I feel
the stress of being out of control, I can turn to Him for relief and comfort.
Understanding and submitting to His yoke frees us from the bondage of the
endless search for control. When we feel the increasing internal pressure to
seek control, we can remember that He’s in control and His burden is light.
Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down,
but a good word makes him glad. Proverbs 12:25
All of us need encouragement.
Even the toughest hombre eventually feels the weight of life in this modern
world. We need the companionship of fellow male believers to build us up when
we’re battered by the storms of life. Strong male friendships help us to
weather the attacks of satan through pornography. Men of faith understand the
alure and emptiness of erotica and can speak truth into our hearts, easing our
stress and helping us recognize the peril when faced with temptation.
17 Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens
another. Proverbs 27:17
And:
2 Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill
the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2
We need to take these passages to
heart and surround ourselves with committed Godly men. A solitary existence
serves to weaken us. As a young soldier, I desperately needed the help of my
battle-buddy. We shared a foxhole, with one standing guard while the other
snatched a few precious minutes of sleep during the cold night. We helped each
other prepare for inspections. We coached each other through preparing for
boards and tests. We watched each other’s backs in the field and in garrison.
We were there for each other. As Christians, we need our battle buddies to help
us deal with the challenges of day-to-day life.
18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other
sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins
against his own body. I Corinthians 6:18
Finally, we need to be aware of
the situations we place ourselves in and the material we consume. I have a
friend who carefully screens the books that he reads, ensuring that they do not
contain material that will lead his heart astray. He also screens the movies
and television shows which he watches. While not a perfect antidote, I wonder
how much grief I’ve brought into my own life by not guarding my heart. Life
provides us with a great amount of stress without our even trying. Perhaps we
might avoid some of it by being more aware of our circumstances. Stress often
leads us astray. When engaged in the battle against pornography, I believe that
accumulated stress is more of a contributor to our failure than we realize.
Erotic material offers a cheap and easy way for us to gain control, even if it
is illusory at best. God provides various means of dealing with stress ad when
under His control, we find life much more manageable.
Comments
Post a Comment