A Man Worthy of Respect: Introduction

³¹ “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” ³² This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:31-32 English Standard Version

               Most of us seek the closeness of a monogamous marital relationship. Oh, there are a few of us monastic types, sitting on top of a mountain in prayer and contemplation; but, most of us yearn for the closeness of a good marriage. Apparently, God built this desire into us. In the Ephesians passage, Paul expands on the creation story found in Genesis 2. Paul, who was never married as far as the Biblical record tells us, noted that at its core, marriage is a profound mystery. All couples know this to be true. We’ve all known partners that seemed odd and incongruous, yet they enjoyed a happy fulfilling relationship. For millennia men have wondered what makes women tick. Often, they seem strange and downright confounding, yet we still pursue them, and despite prognostications to the opposite, marriage seems to be an institution that endures. We do not like being alone. We yearn for the closeness of marriage and hurt deeply when we cannot find it. Most of those wounded by a failed marriage return to the altar, hoping to find the “right” one. Facing life as a single just does not appeal to us. My single friends bemoan their state and actively seek a mate. As men, we intuitively understand and accept the following proverb.

²² He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

               Despite our deepest yearnings, we struggle with marriage. Sadly, many marriages wither and eventually collapse ending in estrangement and divorce. Many other marriages struggle on, failing to fulfill either partner or reach the state God designed for them. Nevertheless the singles that I know ardently seek the close companionship only found in the context of marriage. Yet, when I speak with single men and women that I know, they all bemoan the lack of decent choices in the dating realm. Single or married, we read the passages found in scripture, hoping to better our chances of securing the elusive goal of marital bliss. One of our favorite passages, found in Ephesians 5, provides much insight. We read it, parse it, and hope to find some sort of blueprint or map to success. The last verse of Ephesians 5 contains this little nugget, “…and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” This got me to thinking. I’ve always wanted my wife to respect me. I might have even quoted this to her…early in our marriage. But, I cannot remember ever asking Christy, or any other woman, what kind of man they would respect? I know that in that passage, Paul tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church, but what does that look like from a woman’s point of view. So, I asked.

               On a whim, perhaps led by the Spirit, I asked Christy and several other women who I believed had good solid Christian marriages. Not all of them had enjoyed success the first time around. I thought having endured the pain of a failed marriage would give them special insight. I asked them what kind of man they respected, what character traits in a man engendered respect in their hearts? After all, if I want Christy to respect me it would help to know what characteristics engender, that feeling inside of her. We rarely hear from women because we do not ask them; and that failure impoverishes our marriages. Sixty-three years has taught me that women view things differently, fundamentally. I wondered how these women would respond to my query. Evidently, my question intrigued them.

               I received many responses. A few asked for time to think and consider. Some sent me a list of traits in the form of bullet points and others sent me essays. Thankfully, they all gave me input that was more detailed than, “be like Jesus.” Be like Jesus is not a bad response; however, it would be a little pat. From these responses, I will build the next few essays and podcasts. I’m quite excited about this.

³² And David said to Abigail, “Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me! ³³ Blessed be your discretion, and blessed be you, who have kept me this day from bloodguilt and from working salvation with my own hand! I Samuel 25:32-33

               David and his men were on the way to destroy Nabal for his disrespect and churlish attitude. Abigail, sensing the impending doom, diverted David through her actions and her speech. David praises her discretion and wisdom. Sadly, for much of modern Western Cultural history we’ve not paid attention to women, embracing the “barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen” ethic. Sometimes, I fear we are more like Nabal, surly and worthless. Over the next few weeks, we will look at what women say they respect in men. Perhaps, their thoughts can guide us into behaviors that will strengthen our marital relationship, and for those who’re still in the hunt, help shape us into men worthy of respect.

“The wisest of women builds her house…” Proverbs 14:1a

After all, these women seek to build up their houses, not tear them down. Listening might be a very good place to start. Join me as we explore the character traits in a man that women respect. We will look at scripture as well, seeking to expand our understanding of the kind of men God designed us to be.