Character Traits of a Good Husband Episode #1 Take the Time to Listen

 

¹⁹ Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; James 1:19 English Standard Version

               As an officer in the Army, I dreaded the periodic “sensing session.” Now, lest any of you write that off as something foisted off on the military by our modern culture, I joined the Army in 1981 and we had sensing sessions back then. In a sensing session, the leadership listens to the led without comment. Often in a military hierarchical organization the leadership grows distant from their subordinates. Sensing Sessions sought to bridge the gap between the command structure and the subordinates. In the Army, one is expected to comply with orders without hesitation or comment. While there are times when one must take the hill despite the cost, leadership fails to listen to their subordinates at their peril. The “sensing session” sought to provide commanders and subordinates a safe place to hear and speak. Individuals of lower rank were free to express themselves without fear of retaliation. Good commanders learned to listen carefully. Usually, commanders who listened learned things about their command which helped them grow into better commanders. Commanders who ignored the data gathered during “sensing sessions” missed an opportunity to grow and improve their units.

No one enjoys being ignored. Even those who wear the mantle of introvert do not like having their comments disregarded. Being ignored makes all of us feel inconsequential. We want to matter to the world around us. Many mangers in the business world fail because they refuse to listen to their subordinates. Teachers who do not listen to their students struggle to create a positive learning environment. The problem we face is that listening is not necessarily an inborn trait. Most of us struggle to listen actively. If we admit it, we’re all self-centered to one degree or another. Most of us as husbands struggle to actively listen to our wives.

There are a variety of reasons for this. One reason is that as men God designed us to take action and be problem solvers. I know that I feel much better when I’m doing something. This trait helps us survive in an often chaotic world. Interestingly, studies have shown that taking action, any action, in a crisis situation leads to a good outcome. It seems that sitting still and waiting often leads to disaster. However, in the arena of personal relationships, especially the marriage relationship, the male penchant for taking action may not produce the results we want.

¹³ If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. Proverbs 18:13

 This is one of those passages that I do not like, as it reminds me of a personal failing. I tend to enter a discussion, any discussion, having thought through as many permutations as I could foresee. I tend to cut people off, assuming I know what the other party will say. In the Army and in the classroom, this proved useful at times, especially when a subordinate or student simply wanted to avoid work or a consequence. But, in the home, in the context of a marital relationship, this is a stupid, or as scripture says foolish and shameful, practice. More than an immediate solution to a problem, my wife needs to know that I hear her. I should, as James puts it, “be quick to hear.”

My desire to find a solution and take action tramples on Christy’s need for an active listener. Most of the time, Christy can find a solution on her own. As she describes the problem, sorting through the details, she uncovers what must be done. All she really needs is someone to listen to her. In my haste to be the problem solver, I fail to meet her deeply felt need. Wives need to know that they are valued, that their words mean something. When we fail to listen, we tell them that we do not value them, that their words and opinions are unimportant. As a teacher and an officer, my time was precious, so I always wanted to get to the point as quickly as possible. Our wives need to know that they are more precious than a few ticks of a clock.

¹ A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion. Proverbs 18:1

In another rather biting passage, the author of Proverbs exposes the result of my failure to listen to Christy. It reveals my foolish nature. Scripture paints the picture of a God who eagerly sets aside what He’s doing to hear my petition or problems. If God, who’s upholding the known universe, can take time to hear me out, why can’t I take a few moments to slow down and listen to my wife. Women live in the same world we do. They know the pressures of time and the workplace drive toward efficiency. When you and I slow down and really listen to them, it reaffirms their importance to us and their preeminent place in our lives. Here are a couple of tips on how to be a better listener to your wife.

1.      Put down the cell phone, or other device. Nothing says you are unimportant as much as someone trying to listen and scroll or play at the same time.

2.     Sit facing your wife. Now that may seem odd, but men tend to work shoulder to shoulder and women face to face. By facing your wife as she speaks to you, you show her that she has your undivided attention.

3.     Learn to ask leading questions. Leading questions show your interest in the details of her life. They also provide you with more information. Here are some leading questions you might use:

a.      How did that make you feel?

b.     Why do you think they did that?

c.      What do you think you should do?

d.     What do you want me to do?

4.     Be aware of what time of day it is. Avoid times when you, your spouse, or both of you are typically tired. Weariness makes engaging as an active listener difficult. Usually, Christy and I avoided serious conversation for the first thirty minutes after I came home from work, or late in the evening right before going to sleep.

These are just a few practices that might help us be better listeners.

               All of us desire a close relationship with our wives. It helps us to remember that our marriage should reflect the kind of relationship that Jesus has with the church. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” Ephesians 5:25 Giving up our time and focusing on our wives may be quite difficult; however, it is an important first step in developing the kind of character that a woman can respect. Fundamentally, active listening shows that you respect her, and perhaps that’s were this all starts.