Character Traits of a Good Husband Episode #2 Not a Boss

 

²⁸ just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:28 English Standard Version

               One of my best friends in the Army exemplified this passage. Evidently, he did so in the context of his marriage as well. Knowing that he and his wife enjoyed a good, long-lasting, marriage, I asked his wife what character traits she respected. In her reply, I found this wonderful phrase, “A good husband should be a leader, not a boss.” In that short sentence, she encapsulated what kind of man a good husband is. Sadly, most of us reach for the boss and not the leader character trait. Unfortunately, too many of us think a lot about the passage in Ephesians 5 which tells wives to “be in submission” to their husbands, rarely giving much thought to what kind of husbands we are. Are we a boss, or are we a leader?

               Interestingly, the Army spends a great deal of time and effort training officers and NCOs to be good leaders and not good managers. Once the head Chaplain in Europe was invited to give a Officer Professional Development (OPD) speech to a large gathering of new lieutenants. His speech centered around the idea that Jesus exhibited great leadership traits. He pulled examples from scripture, enjoining us to embrace a life of selfless service in support of our soldiers and units. We all sat there at the end of his lecture, unsure of what to make of it. The USAREUR commander got up and said that it was the best leadership speech he’d ever heard, especially for new lieutenants.

               As husbands, as men, as people, we need to follow in the footsteps of Jesus’ example of servant-leadership. Jesus came not to drive people into good behavior. He showed us the way. He walked the path before us, setting the example in how to lead as a servant. In one of the most poignant scenes in the gospels, Jesus takes up a basin and towel and washes the disciples’ feet. John 13:1-17 Nothing in the apostles’ experience or worldview prepared them for this. If you remember, Peter tried to refuse; but, Jesus insisted, saying, “If I do not wash you, you have no share with me.” John 13:8

               Jesus wants us to walk, to live, to act in the way He did. Early Christianity was referred to as “The Way.” In this, Jesus expects us as husbands to likewise pick up the towel and the basin. When I think of leading my wife, my family, do I think, “how can I serve them today?” As an officer in the Army, I was taught to do all that I could to take care of my soldiers. We call that leading from the front. Early in my military career, I was assigned the duty of Squad Leader. I was in the fourth squad of the fourth platoon in our company. As the Squad Leader, I was expected to eat last. This meant that I was the last soldier to get his chow. Frequently just as I sat down with my tray, the Senior Drill Sergeant would scream, “Awwright Alpha Company, you have five minutes to finish your chow and be outside in formation. I learned two important lessons through that experience; 1. true leaders sacrifice for those they lead, 2. you can eat an entire meal in less than five minutes. Seriously, true leaders willingly lay down their lives for those they lead. A boss merely directs and holds people accountable. This is why the Army rarely looks to industry for leadership models. A boss is in charge, they direct the action. A leader seeks to set the conditions for the success of those they lead.

               Our wives do not need us to direct them or somehow hold them accountable. They need us to set the conditions for their growth and success. Christy does not really need me to tell her what to do. She’s a fully functioning, believing adult. She needs me to wash her feet, to lay down my life for. I need to get up every day, looking for ways to serve her, to make it easier for her to serve the Lord. When I take her needs seriously, willingly sacrificing to ensure her success, then Christy respects me. The gospel of Matthew, Jesus puts it this way.

¹¹ The greatest among you shall be your servant. ¹² Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted. Matthew 23:11-12

               In a confounding paradox, Jesus says that those who wish to be great must embrace being a servant. Then He adds a twist, if I lift myself up, making a big deal of who I am, I will find myself humbled. Sadly, most men desire the outward trappings and privileges of being a leader without the basin and the towel. As an officer, I enjoyed the saluting and other trappings afford those of higher rank, especially once I attained some of that higher rank; but, I found that my subordinates respected me most when I served them by putting their needs first. When I demand respect from Christy, she will outwardly comply…grudgingly…but inwardly she will harbor resentment. When I seek her needs first, laying down my life and picking up hers, respect blossoms in her heart.

               So if a man desires his wife’s respect, he needs to stop bossing her around and seek out ways to serve her. In the words of my good friend, our wives do not need another boss. They need someone to lead them, lead them like Jesus did, with a basin and a towel. We will find this hard, but if we seek God’s help in this, He will provide us what we need. When our wives see us loving them, not just in word but also in deed, they will respect us for the Godly men that we have become.

Thought Questions:

1.      Who is a leader that you have seen and respect?

2.     What do you most respect in a leader?

3.     Do you find it easy or hard to serve your wife?

4.     Why do we (you) find it so hard to serve our wives?

5.     How can you put her needs first today?