Character Traits of a Good Husband: Episode #4 Being Quick to Apologize

 

²³ So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, ²⁴ leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24 English Standard Version

               Before I start today, I want to take care of a couple of housekeeping issues. First of all, please do not think that I’m particularly good at the things that I’m sharing. Though Christy and I enjoy what I consider to be a very good marriage, I’m far from the model husband. Before we married, I would have described myself as unselfish and easy-going. Once we started keeping house, after the honeymoon, I discovered that I was actually quite selfish and prone to demanding that things go my way. Through the years with help from the Lord and a loving patient wife, I’ve grown and become better; but, I still have rough edges that need scuffing off. So, do not think I’m sharing these things as someone who’s mastered the art of being a good husband. I’m sharing them as someone who still struggles to crucify my flesh. Secondly, I truly appreciate the suggestions and comments that you’ve made. They help me get better at communicating. There are several things that I will be trying out in the future, so hang in there with me as we work on improving this product. Now, on to this week’s subject, being quick to apologize.

               One of the challenges of being a teacher is trying to never make a mistake. It is important to be competent in your field, to know what you’re talking about. I hung my high school, college, and graduate school diplomas in my room. I did want to show that I had some level of authority to stand up and deliver. But despite my best efforts, occasionally I would be incorrect about something. I’m not perfect. Very quickly, I learned that admitting my mistake in front of my students actually improved my credibility. Trying to paper over a mistake only served to display my stubborn pride. It is the same in marriage.

               Christy knows when I make a mistake. She’s always known. It is only my hubris which leads me to believe that somehow I can fool her. I forget that a quick heartfelt apology is the salve that heals wounded hearts. When I apologize quickly, I set in motion the emotional and spiritual mechanisms that bring about healing and restoration of relationship. Apology is so important that in the Matthew 5 passage Jesus tells us to apologize before worship. I find that amazing, especially considering that this instruction was for a Jewish audience. After all, the Jews rightly placed great importance on sacrificial worship. Much of the Old Testament provides detailed instructions concerning sacrifice and worship. Despite this, Jesus elevates relationship maintenance above sacrifice.

               Think about the impact of that. How often have I gone to worship-service with Christy still hurting over something that I have said or done. My pride has inhibited my worship and possibly hers as well. I think of worship as something between me and God; however, my relationship with my brothers and sisters enters the picture. As a husband who wants to set the conditions for my wife’s spiritual growth, I need to remember that my apology helps her worship. Not only does a quick apology clear the way for your wife to worship, it helps maintain unity in the family.

²⁵ Knowing their thoughts, he said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste, and no city or house divided against itself will stand. Matthew 12:25

               In this passage, Jesus reminds us that a house, or family, divided is weak and susceptible to failure or collapse. I wonder how many marriages have foundered on the rocks of a prideful refusal to apologize? Gents, our wives depend upon us to set the example. That’s what good leaders do. We all want a strong marriage and a happy home. We should not let our pride stand in the way. If we  drop the ball, man up and admit it. Let our words repair the breech in relationship and keep our house united. When I quickly apologize, I help Christy live into the admonition found in I Corinthians 13, the famous love chapter.

⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. I Corinthians 13:5 New International Version

You see, if I readily admit my mistake, then it makes it much easier to move on from it into a healed and often better relationship. My apology tells Christy that I value her more than my own self-image. One of the challenges of male to female communication is how we communicate. Men, especially after a difficult workday, tend to be rather abrupt in how we speak. We may be correct in what we said but be totally hurtful in how we said it. I quickly found out that the manner of speech I used in the Army did not work well at home, and I didn’t use coarse language at work. In the Army we valued direct abrupt speech. Cutting someone off in mid-sentence in order to get to the point was not a bad thing. I wielded sarcasm with the same effectiveness that I wielded any number of weapons. None of these carefully honed skills helped me communicate with my lovely wife, and later children. I might be right about something, but I was still a jerk for how I said it. Apologizing, and doing so quickly, helped our relationship.

               A sincere, and that is important, apology binds up wounds and heals hurt feelings. You and I need to be strong enough to admit our verbal failures. Apology helps us move on past the mistake, whether an action or a verbal faux pau. It makes it easier for both of us to live into the Pauline injunction to keep no record of wrong. And men, we need to lead the way in this area. We must set aside our pride and admit when we’re wrong. As Jesus points out in Matthew, this is a matter of great urgency. If I’ve wronged Christy, I need to rectify the situation before I go and offer my sacrifice of praise. Do not let the hurt fester. Your relationship with your wife is more important than that. Some of us never saw or heard our fathers apologize, so we have no real example. That is no excuse. This is the time when we gird up our loins and learn a new skill. You will be surprised at how much a simple, “Honey, I’m sorry,” will make things better. Give it a try and then let me know how it worked for you.

 

Thought Questions:

1.      Do you find it easy or hard to apologize and why?

2.     When was the last time you apologized to your wife?

3.     How did she respond to your apology?

4.     Do you find yourself being right, but being a jerk about it?

5.     What is it about apologizing that makes it so difficult sometimes?