Husband Traits, Episode #3, Kindness
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:22 English Standard Version
Kindness was one of the character
traits that made more than one appearance on the input I got from women. Sadly,
0ur current culture does not value kindness. As an officer in the Army, my
Officer Evaluation Reports listed dedication, responsibility, loyalty,
discipline, integrity, moral courage, selflessness, and moral standards as the
character traits my superiors were to evaluate in me. A later revision listed
honor, integrity, courage, loyalty, respect, selfless service, and duty. Though
kindness certainly helped a commander and leader, the Army did not consider it an
important character trait in an officer. A casual glance at our political
social-media driven world reveals an appalling lack of kindness in any kind of
public intercourse. The business world eschews kindness in the corporate
boardroom, where it is often seen as weakness detrimental to the bottom
line…profit. In a broader cultural context, we seem to embrace the anti-hero
developed by Ernest Hemingway. Anti-heroes live by their own, often flawed,
code. They are also known as code-heroes. While the anti-hero, or code-hero,
makes for interesting reading and great literature, they do not work well in
the real and often messy world of human relations. They tend to run over those
close to them as they are fundamentally self-centered, often tending towards
narcissistic. Despite our cultural disdain, God, through His word and His Son,
puts great importance on kindness or being kind. Interestingly, in the English
Standard Version, kindness or kind makes over two hundred appearances in the
text.
12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy
and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13
bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving
each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossians
3:12-13
The instruction to “put on”
kindness indicates that it is not something inherent in our fallen make up.
This is something we need to work on, something that does not come easily to
us. But it is something we need, especially in the realm of marital
relationships. So, what does kindness mean?
Kind or kindness comes to us from
ancient German and in the adjective form it means friendly, deliberately doing
good to others. As a noun it means courtesy, noble deeds. The Marriam-Webster
online dictionary defines kind as, “of a sympathetic or helpful nature, of a
forbearing nature, arising from or characterized by sympathy or forbearance,
and to give pleasure or relief.” All these usages of the word would greatly
improve any relationship, especially the marital relationship. As men,
habituated by the often-callous work world, we need to discard our work habits
in the home and embrace, or put on, kindness. As so many of our spouses
participate in the working world, they desperately need the welcome enfolding
of a husband who’s truly kind. A recent study in Germany laid out three kinds
of kindness:
1.
Genuine
kindness (benevolence)
2.
Strategic
kindness (maximizing gain and avoiding cost or loss)
3.
Norm-motivated
kindness (reciprocity, helping—and punishing—to uphold fairness)
You
and I need to pursue genuine kindness, or as they say, benevolence. We should
avoid strategic kindness and norm-motivated kindness, as both of those find
their root in gaining something for ourselves. Our kindness ought to stem from
love and the implanted Spirit in our hearts. After all, kindness is one of the
fruits of the Spirit, an indicator of the presence of God’s Holy Spirit in our
hearts.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy,
peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23
gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Galatians
5:22-23
So, what does this kindness look
like in a marriage, and how do I show kindness to my wife? As an old English
teacher, I say, let’s go back to the Marriam-Webster definition; “of a
sympathetic or helpful nature, of a forbearing nature, arising from or
characterized by sympathy or forbearance, and to give pleasure or relief.” When
showing kindness towards my wife, I should focus on three types of actions, sympathetic,
supportive, and patient. When I want to be kind to Christy my words and my
actions should reflect one of those three. I should think, “How can I show
Christy one of those.
As you well know, our world is a
tough place, especially for those who claim the name of Jesus. Years ago, when
most women worked at home, they might live very sheltered lives, away from the rough,
sharp-elbowed workplace. Today when most women work outside the house, they too
must confront the hard-edged working world. We show great kindness to our wives
when we are sympathetic to their feelings at the end of a tough day in the
working world. Again, listening to them without judgement or recommendations
shows great sympathy. It shows that we understand their pain, frustration, and
weariness. But what about supportive acts of kindness?
There is a sad stereotype out
there of the husband who comes home, plops down in their recliner and expects
their wife to serve them. Men who do that have bought into the cultural
stereotype developed when most women did not work outside the house.
Unfortunately, it was just as selfish then as it is now. Instead, we ought to
seek out ways to help carry the load. Keeping a family functioning well takes
all of us pulling in the same direction. What kinds of chores can you help your
wife with? Imagine her surprise and shock upon finding the clothes unexpectedly
folded and put away. Or perhaps if you volunteer to carry in all the groceries
after that tiresome trip to Wal-Mart. Those simple acts convey her worth and
the esteem you feel for her in your heart. And gentlemen, if you really want to
support your wife, never, never, ever, put her down in public…even in a joking
manner. She needs your support, not your ridicule. She gets enough of that from
the world. Do not add your voice to all those voices that tear her down and
crush her self-esteem. You need to be your wife’s strongest advocate,
especially in public. Support her as Christ has supported and been patient with
you.
We show our wives great kindness
when we’re patient with them, forbearing the inevitable mistakes that come with
being alive in this world. Very few women are truly unaware of their occasional
mistakes and foibles. They know. How we handle those uncomfortable moments either
builds them up or tears them down. They need to know that even when things go badly,
and they make a mistake, we are patient and forbearing. Keeping the long-term
health of our relationships in mind helps with this. All too often we get caught
up in the chaos of the moment, forgetting that very few problems or mistakes
truly last. One of the lessons that I learned during combat deployments was
that unless someone dies or is wounded, mistakes can be corrected. Most things
that I stressed about were truly insignificant. What Christy needs most from me
is support. She knows when she makes a mistake and does not need me to rant
about it. Forbearance and patience are the kindness oil that when used help
anoint a marriage relationship and move it into something that reflects what
God had in mind.
President Bush Sr. was noted for
random acts of kindness. Whether you agree with his politics or not, his focus
on kindness generated a significant impact on those he encountered. As
husbands, we should shower our wives…and families…with kindness. God calls us
to put on kindness and when we do, it we truly start laying down our lives for
our wives as Jesus did for the Church.
Thought
Questions:
1.
When
was someone kind to you, what did they do, and how did it make you feel?
2.
When
was the last time you did something kind for your wife?
3.
What
are some kind things you could do that would surprise your wife?
4.
What
is something kind that you could do for your wife today?
5.
Why do
you think our culture does not esteem kindness?
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