Character Traits of a Good Husband, Episode 6 Leadership Style

 

²⁵ But Jesus called them to him and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. ²⁶ It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, ²⁷ and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, ²⁸ even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:25-28 English Standard Version

               One of the great challenges leaders in the Army face is how to wear the rank. This is especially true for new leaders, new sergeants and 2LTs (Second Lieutenants). In both cases they are brand new to the leadership realm and must navigate a difficult track, or as my British friends might say, a sticky wicket. In the Army we recognize that there are two types of respect, respect for the rank and respect for the person. Respect for the rank comes with what you pin on your collar. Respect for the person is earned through behavior and competence. I knew various officers and NCOs who demanded all the trappings of their rank. They always seemed to be on the alert for some sort of slight or lack of proper respect. Consequently, they alienated all around them and did not get the respect they felt was their due. Then there were those who just assumed that others would respect them. They were more casual in their approach to leadership. Normally, they were men and women who focused on being competent and excellent in all that they said or did. They never seemed to worry about the trappings of respect, rank, or office, and they always seemed to get that respect. This is a concept that would help us as husbands.

               For millennia men have leaned into Paul’s words concerning wives respecting and obeying their husbands. We’ve strutted around like popinjays demanding respect and bristling at any perceived slight. We’ve forgotten that when Paul said those things, he was speaking to women, not to men. As an officer, I found that when I focused on being the best leader that I could be, respect flowed naturally. Truly, I rarely encountered disrespect. It was not something that I had to worry about. Sadly, it took me a long time to embrace that concept as a husband and father.

               Godly leadership is all about sacrifice. Jesus makes sure that we understand this. He reminds me that those outside the faith lord it over their subordinates. In His body, family, or community, those who lead are servants. As a husband, my leadership is at its best when I faithfully serve Christy. She does not need me to strut around demanding that she be in submission. This type of caustic leadership does not reflect Jesus. I need to look more closely at His example. And this is not just a matter of looking at Jesus’ actions. He devoted a significant amount of time to teaching about leadership. He devoted almost all of Matthew 23 to leadership issues, and we as husbands would do well to ruminate on this passage.

¹ Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples, ² “The scribes and the Pharisees sit on Moses' seat, ³ so do and observe whatever they tell you, but not the works they do. For they preach, but do not practice. ⁴ They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger. ⁵ They do all their deeds to be seen by others. For they make their phylacteries broad and their fringes long, ⁶ and they love the place of honor at feasts and the best seats in the synagogues ⁷ and greetings in the marketplaces and being called rabbi by others. ⁸ But you are not to be called rabbi, for you have one teacher, and you are all brothers. ⁹ And call no man your father on earth, for you have one Father, who is in heaven. ¹⁰ Neither be called instructors, for you have one instructor, the Christ. ¹¹ The greatest among you shall be your servant. ¹² Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted. Matthew 23:1-12

               I know this is a long passage, but Jesus gives us a clear picture of how leadership, Christ-like leadership, appears. The Pharisees longed for all the trappings of respect. They wanted fawning adulation; however, they were unwilling to truly serve others in humility. Though this passage is not directly about being a Godly husband, in it we see what the Lord considers good leadership contrasted with caustic worldly leadership. So, let’s look at some specific take-aways Jesus offers in this passage.

1.      We must never be guilty of do as I say, not as I do. Whatever we wish our wives to display ought to appear in our own lives first. How can I expect my wife to respect me if I fail to show her respect. She needs to see me humbly walk out my faith.

2.     We must not make their burdens heavier. As a husband, I exist to help Christy, not make her life more difficult. I should not hinder her. Instead, I need to build her up and make her life easier. That’s what a good servant does.

3.     We must not do things for show. We must be willing to work in the background, letting others get the glory as it were. I am at my best as a husband when I set Christy up for success and then enjoy her moment. True leaders derive great pleasure when those around them rise and shine.

4.     I must not expect, or demand, signs of honor. In an extreme act of humility, Jesus picked up a basin and towel and washed the disciple’s feet. He willingly put himself in a subordinate position in order to best serve and teach His disciples.

These are but a few of the lessons we see in the Matthew passage. I need to carefully examine my heart, seeking to discern those deep motivations which drive my behaviors. If we’re being honest, we often lie to ourselves about why we do and say the things we do. We must learn how to embrace the servant leadership style of Jesus. Paul makes this abundantly clear in the famous Ephesians passage.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…Ephesians 5:25.

We love and lead our wives best when we pick up the basin and the towel, following the example of our Lord. If He can serve in such a sacrificial manner, so can we. When we walk in His footsteps, we help our wives by being men worthy of respect. Remember, we best show love when we lay down our lives for our wives. Servant leadership is the only way to truly earn the respect we so crave. And always remember this portion of the Ephesians passage on marital relationships.

²⁸ In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:28

If you want to love yourself and enjoy a great marriage, love your wife. Lay your life down for her. Be a man worthy of respect. Eschew the strutting demanding displays of pride. Instead, embrace servanthood. Lay your life down for your wife. In short, live and walk like Jesus.

 

Thought Questions:

1.      Why do we as men have so much trouble with laying down our lives for our wives?

2.     Why do we worry so much about infringements upon our “rights?”

3.     When was the last time you laid down your life for your wife?

4.     How would being more of a servant change the atmosphere in your marriage?

5.     What is a tangible way you can show love by serving your wife?