Character Traits of a Good Husband, Episode 7, Speech That Builds Up

⁴ A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. Proverbs 15:4 English Standard Version

               I spent twenty-seven years in the Army. Twenty-seven years in an environment in which we ruthlessly harassed, ridiculed, and hazed each other. To survive you developed three discrete skill sets; one: a very thick skin, ignoring slights and insults, two: a rapier wit able to engage in conversational parry and thrust, and three: a persona which was always professional, showing no chinks in the armor. Now while these skill sets worked well in the Army, they serve no real purpose in my marriage. In fact, my rapier wit, so effective in military life, exerts a corrosive effect in my marriage. Christy does not thrive when I put her down. She needs to know that our relationship is a safe place, a haven from the harsh reality of life outside our home.

               How I use my tongue shapes the environment in our home. Will I use it to nurture and build up, or will I use it to tear down and hurt? I frequently see men who casually ridicule their wives, and when asked about it they say, “Well, I was only kidding.” While kidding one another was quite acceptable in the Army, I need to think long and hard before I kid my wife, or children for that matter. The old saw, “Sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” is in fact a lie. Words strike the psyche with great force, inflicting wounds that may last a lifetime. We want to build up our marital relationship, not tear it down. Think of a flower.

I took this picture a couple of years ago. It is a common little flower that grows wild here in the mountain of New Mexico. Right now, with all the recent rains, you find them scattered all over our yard. They are delicate little things. Notice the darker purple ribs in each lavender-pink petal. They are quite small and easily crushed by a careless footstep. Recently, during some tree cutting work, Christy wanted me to try and not flatten them as we worked. I must admit that initially I rolled my eyes a bit. After all, they are just little wildflowers; but, they bring great beauty to our yard. When I use my speech without thinking, I can just as easily crush Christy’s spirit.

⁴ Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29         

               When I josh my wife, even if I’m not serious, I use my speech to tear down, not build up. When I kid someone, I’m seeking to elevate myself at their expense. In the Ephesians passage, Paul encourages us to use our speech to strengthen, not tear down. Interestingly, he labels other speech as corrupting. When I speak to Christy, does my speech help her, or does it inflict wounds that fester, creating corruption in our marriage. One of the definitions of corruption is decay or rottenness. While this is important at home, public kidding is especially corrosive.

¹⁸ Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death ¹⁹ is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I am only joking!” Proverbs 26:18-19

Though the writer of Proverbs speaks here about neighbors, the same could apply to that most intimate of all relationships, husband and wife. We enter into the marriage relationship expecting closeness and safety. Paul reminds us that “…husbands should love their wives as their own bodies…” Ephesians 5:28. While there is such a thing as self-deprecating humor, which has its place, none of us walk around making fun of ourselves. If I do not make fun of myself, then I should not make fun of my wife. Our relationship is sacred and safe…at least it should be. All too often we casually make fun of our wives. I should be her most ardent supporter and defender in times of crisis. Casual kidding harms my status as her defender. If we persist in such behavior, we should not be surprised when the house of our marriage burns down. Instead, I need to lavish the same care on my marriage that I would my own body.

               Though Americans are not known for our fitness, we do spend a lot of time and an increasing amount of money on healthcare and beauty products. I try to eat properly and get some exercise daily. I make sure that I get the appropriate annual medical checks and visit the dentist twice a year. When required, I take the needed medications. In other words, I try and take care of myself. I should expend more effort in nourishing my relationship with Christy. As part of that marital fitness regimen, I need to do my best to never, ever, ridicule her.

⁴ Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. Ephesians 5:4

We ought to stand apart from our current cultural norm of crass public discourse and casual disdain of our spouses. Rather, we need to lavish them with love and respect. I should be Christy’s biggest cheerleader. How I speak to my wife, publicly and privately, reveals much about the state of our marriage and my heart. If I choose to belittle her, passing it off as kidding, joshing, or joking around, I reveal my own innate weakness of character. I put my own insecurity and pettiness on public display. When I carefully support her, doing my best to elevate and encourage her, I’m laying down my life for her. As husbands, we need to step outside the culturally acceptable role of a domineering male, and instead assume the role of great defender and supporter of our loved one. After all, doesn’t Jesus support and encourage you and me?

 

Thought Questions:

1.      How would you describe “gracious” speech?

2.     How do you build up your wife with your speech?

3.     How often do you engage in kidding or joshing with your wife?

4.     How do you feel when someone kids you or puts you down?

5.     How could you better support, or build up, your wife with your words?