Commitment Episode 3, Committed to Marriage

9 “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Mark 10:9 English Standard Version

Christy and I celebrated forty years of marriage this year. You will note that I did not say forty years of marital bliss. Though the majority of the time has been quite good, there have been rough patches along the way. Sometimes I behaved badly, and sometimes Christy was not at the top of her game. We spent over twenty of those years knocking around the world while I pursued a career as an officer in the U.S. Army. During that time, we endured all the challenges a career in the military offers, deployments to combat, long training exercises, demanding jobs, moves that came at the wrong time, all the things that put stress on a marriage. We raised kids, bought and sold houses, purchased and wore out cars, endured sickness, slogged through unpleasant assignments, struggled with teenagers, and dealt with our share of disappointments and disagreements. Occasionally when someone finds out how long we’ve been married they express amazement and wonder how we did it. The answer is simple, commitment.

Oh, I’m certain that we enjoy great compatibility. Christy still takes my breath away. We enjoyed a brief, but intense, courtship, getting married in a friend’s living room in Manila, Philippines with no family there. Some of my closest friends at the time worried about our future, wondering if we knew each other enough to make a lasting marriage, a valid question. But, here I’d like to point out that for much of human history arranged marriages were the norm. Obviously, some of those were dry loveless affairs in which the spouses simply endured. But, after forty years of marriage I would say that the prime ingredient for a long-lasting fruitful marriage is commitment. Look at what Paul said to husbands in his famous family relationship passage.

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, Ephesians 5:25

As a husband, God calls me to love Christy as Jesus loved the Church, His bride. God calls me to lay down my life for Christy, to be committed to her. A few verses earlier God, through Paul, lays an equally stringent requirement on wives. Jesus says some difficult things as well. Take this passage in Matthew for example.

9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” Matthew 19:9

This was so shocking to the disciples they replied:

10 The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” Matthew 19:10

Jesus does not back off. He replied:

11 But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. Matthew 19:11

I find Jesus’ reply to the apostles stunning. He does not soften the blow or provide an out. He simply says that not everyone can accept this level of commitment. I do not point these out to lay guilt trips on anyone. After all, though I may have done okay in the marriage realm, I have endured bitter personal failure in other arenas and depend upon God’s grace and mercy each and every day. I bring these scriptures up to show how God feels about marriage and the commitment it requires. So how do I summon that level of commitment?

2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:2

This is one that is particularly difficult for those of us wrapped up in modern Western culture. We want everything now, and we want it our way. The fast-food industry makes millions of dollars each month pandering to our proclivity for immediate satiation. Sometimes in marriage we must endure dry times, times in which our immediate needs and desires go unmet. Jesus set the standard for commitment. Paul reminds us that Jesus laid down His life in order to sanctify His bride, the Church. He did so by keeping His fixed on the ultimate goal. As husbands, and this post is directed at husbands, we must keep our eyes fixed on our ultimate goal, that of laying down our lives for our wives. In many ways, I exist to ensure Christy’s ultimate spiritual success. When I do marriage right, I enable Christy to flourish. When her good becomes my good, then I’m truly committed to the success of our marriage. Jesus made hard choices because He looked far down the road.

As husbands, we must develop the ability to take the long view. Commitment to the success of our wives and marriages enables us to endure those challenges that come our way. After all, there are days in which I fail the Lord…miserably; but, He does not give up on me. Commitment to the long term good of Christy and our relationship helps me work through those times when marriage is inconvenient, not fun, or just plain hard work. This goes against our modern penchant for self-centered decision making. We live in an age which exalts self-fulfillment, and many marriages founder on the rocks of this selfish worldview. But, if we can summon the courage needed for true commitment, then we can enjoy a marriage that endures through the tough time and arrives at a place which glorifies God while providing us great joy and contentment.

Thought Questions:

1. How important is your commitment to your marriage?

2. When was the last time that you laid down your life for your wife?

3. Do you often struggle when asked to sacrifice for your marriage?

4. Do you consider marriage as something that you could walk away from?

5. What would cause you to abandon your marriage?